Of lamenting and complaining
Conversations about complaining cause a certain uneasiness in me. It reminds me too much of lamenting.
Lamenting is the little sibling of complaining. I have too many conversations in which there is no exchange, but instead people tell each other how bad the world is, what mistakes others make, how difficult the job is. Then you feel good because you’re not alone with your negative experiences, and community arises.
In medicine there is an expression for this: positive illness gain. I am in a bad way and therefore other people give me attention and care. In addition, I can perceive myself very intensely when I am suffering. It may not feel good, but it feels real and meaningful. Even when you lament, you get the impression that you are saying meaningful and true things.
I sometimes conduct an experiment in conversations. I ask: “At what moment have you been happy lately?” Or in a round with friends: “What do you appreciate about each other?” Then there is also a sense of community and additional joy and lightness. Sounds like group therapy, with the aim of going through life more happily? Yes. But then a round of talks about the bad sides of our lives is also group therapy. With the aim of developing the ability to see everything negatively. Which one would you book?
The world is terrible. And it is the greatest miracle.
Focusing on the positive things does not mean losing your sense of reality. It’s not about wearing rose-coloured glasses. It’s about taking off the grey glasses. The world is terrible. And it is the greatest miracle.
Complaining is something different from lamenting. We can lament about things that annoy us, but they don’t knock us down. Complaining is when we have reached the end. When we can do nothing more than name our brokenness.
And here, at the end of strength and hope, a miracle can happen. When one acknowledges that one path is over, perhaps it becomes visible that other paths are not yet. There are people who go blind, lose everything, face their own death and yet find peace. Complaining ends where we can let go. The greatest and most difficult, perhaps the only task of our life.
In lamenting, we can practise for this task: Let go. It is not worth it. There is more.
Michael Charbonnier
